Yes, I'm back with our beloved and oh-so-full-of-hilarity - Jaz Parks!
~ Kira

• Unfortunately, before Disa could wind it up a notch, her vamps and their human guardians came pouring through the villa’s back doors. Again the balance had shifted. I glanced at Vayl. He gave me a nod and the slight lift of his lips that passed for a smile. Warped souls that we are, we kinda love it when our odds dip. Because that’s when the real fun begins.
• She gestured to the shaft of the bolt, still sticking out of her gut. “What about this?” she cried.
  “Keep it,” I said. “A little souvenir to remind you not to mess with skinny redheads from America.”
• He’d told us in his time the room had been used as a sort of halfway house for newly recruited vampires.
  “You had to keep them at such a distance?” Dave had asked incredulously. “What, were you afraid they were going to rise a half hour before everybody else, steal all the silver, and run off with the kitchen help?”
• “Sorry about that,” I said. “It’s kind of a hereditary thing. My dad’s a growler. Although he sounds more like a garbage disposal trying to process a set of flatware.”
• Okay, well, maybe it was that easy. I tried to lighten up. Then I saw myself, leading this post-adolescent down the hall while he sniffed my neck, up into my scalp. And I couldn’t help it. Suddenly I was imagining a supermodel standing twenty paces downwind, holding a bottle of Head & Shoulders, saying, “Even werewolves can’t tell the difference!”
• Are you insane?” Niall demanded in a stage whisper.I started to laugh. And couldn’t stop. It became the most hilarious question anyone had ever asked me.
• Wouldn’t it be awesome if we could do a little Cartoon Network scene where I blew her up with TNT, dropped her off a mountain, ran her over with a steamroller, and catapulted her into the side of Rockefeller Center, after which she would get up, stumble around groggily for a few seconds, shake it off, and then impale herself on my lance-sized stake?
• “Vayl, this is not a pleasant moment for me,” I confessed.“No?”“Locked in a windowless, doorless room with a dancing, headless corpse and a secret sucker that can move fast enough to tear us both a new one if I miss?”Vayl took a second to ponder. “Think of the body as what Pinocchio would have looked like if he had lied to the Mob.”“That’s so not funny.”“Then why are you chuckling?”“God, we are so warped.
• No, look, you’re still mostly human, I assured myself. If you weren’t, well, surely you wouldn’t be so pissed off at Dave or so confused about Vayl right now, huh? And you definitely wouldn’t want to pinch Disa’s head in a vise and then attach her body to a tire rotator.
• “Hey, you’re the one who called me! So quit your bitching and get on it!” What. An. Asshole! “Well?”
  “Oh, all right! God! Were you always such a prick or was it something you had to practice for an hour every day?”
• "All you have to do is pick up the phone to be surrounded by people who care for you. Friends.” “Like you?” He nodded. “If you would allow me to take the first step.”“Which is what? A pinch on the butt?” He shrugged, the dimple on his cheek making a rare appearance. “Was I out of line, then?” “Hell, yeah. Nobody pinches my ass until they first buy me a waffle cone full of cookie dough ice cream.”
• “Hey, if you decide to tear up the town, you can always use the leftover bread from my breakfast in place of your cane. I’m pretty sure it’s hard enough to bust heads.”
• “I want to go with you.”
  "Sure", I said.
  “So,” he mused as he turned the gun in his hands, “you’re not going to argue with me?”
  “Why should I? Gives them another target, which means my chances of survival skyrocket.”
• “You’re going to dump an innocent animal with vampires?”
  “He’s hardly pure. You should’ve seen what he did to my shoe!”
• When I retire I’m going to write a book. Not about the CIA. I know too many secrets that could get me killed. Or worse, elected. Nope, this one’s going to be called "My Dad Is an Asshole: The True Story of a Shithead’s Daughter."
• “When do you think they’ll let me get my cell out?” Cole asked. “I promised Mom I’d text her as soon as we land. I’m going to stick my phone up some guy’s kilt, flash a picture, and then challenge her to guess what she’s seeing.”
• Because not everything burns when . . . yup. There it was. A human tooth. Fuck! The thoughts hit me simultaneously. I’m scooping through human remains like they’re freaking Raisin Bran! And, I have to put them back where I found them.
• Albert dug one doggy snack out and offered it to Jack, who immediately deserted me to make friends with the man who had informed me, at the age of eight, that if I couldn’t figure out how to manage all by myself I might as well skip my independence and check right into Greenfields Assisted Living.
• "Some patience, Gran. A lot of them are here because they’ve lost somebody dear to them and they think the person’s still floating around." "What would you do if you thought I was a ghost?" "Force you into business. You’d be great entertainment at slumber parties."
• I nodded politely, gave her a thumbs-up, which I just barely kept from turning sideways and jamming into her eye sockets. Not killing the annoying ones. Some days that’s the hardest part of this gig. From the look on her face, Viv might’ve felt close to the same. Only mothers can make us so crazy.
• “Young man?” said Cole as he tried to keep a woman in the row in front of us from shoving her chair through his stomach. “He probably died before your great-great-grandma’s great-grandparents were done crapping their diapers!”
• I’m not calling that son of a bitch! Not even if he needs a kidney and I’m the only donor left on Earth who matches him! Who gives a damn that he's my father!
• I wanted to tell Albert it couldn’t have been a ghoul. More likely a loeden. But I didn’t say a word. He’d probably just snap my head off before continuing with his story, which I would never get to hear the end of because my ears would be stuck inside his massive jaws.
• “How the hell did you suppose we were going to pay for your funeral when you blew your savings on this trip!” Vayl put his hand on my shoulder. “Jasmine, it could be that you are ruining a special moment here.” We both ignored him as Albert shot back, “I imagined you’d toss me in the back of a pickup truck and dump me over some cliff to be eaten by vultures like you threaten to do every time I get sick!”

Aaannndd.. I'm back with more hilarity from Jaz!! :D
~ Kira

• “You’re a damn genius. Do you think if I could make a gun like that little beauty you brought us I’d be dragging my sorry ass up some rock on my free time? Hell no! I’d be locked in my lab with my Bunsen burners on full blast, spreading beakers and whatnot across my tables and rubbing my hands like a maniac at the thought of what kinda wild shit I was going to come up with today!”
• The deep, booming sound of the door knocker shut us all up. Dave and Cassandra rushed into the room. “Were you expecting company?” he asked me. I couldn’t resist. “No, David. All my Iranian pals are busy this week.”
• In the Vampere world we’d be considered a couple of some sort. His sverhamin to my avhar. Certain rules applied, only a few of which I knew. He had to reveal anything I wanted to know about his past. In return — well — pretty much, I had to make sure he didn’t turn into a towering asshole, take over some small country, and eat his neighbors.
• I could just punch him in the gut and run off, cackling, into the night. However, considering his eight-year-old mentality, he’d probably take that as a sign of affection and the next thing you know we’d be engaged.
• “You and I should be fine. I have rescinded my agreement with Zarsa. I will not try to meet Badu and Hanzi until I am sure they will not be harmed by our reunion. And yet I sense you would cheerfully slam my head against the wall if you thought you could get away with it. Why is that?”
• “Be careful, please. If I have to bring you back to life again, Raoul’s going to want something major, like a virgin sacrifice. And I need Bergman too badly to give him up at this point.”
• It was blocked by a chained gate upon which hung a sign that might’ve spelled out why nobody but the owners were allowed to drive past that point — except I couldn’t read Farsi, so I was just guessing. For all I knew, it said, "Sick of living? Have we got a job for you! Inquire inside."
• I looked up at him, his excitement so palpable I could almost reach out and stroke it, like a luscious mink coat I’d feel guilty about petting while I totally grooved on the furry. Lucky for us, my contrary nature drives me to poke holes in anything that seems overinflated.
• “Ya scared?”Bergman nodded again. But he said, “No, not at all. Of course, my bowels are so loose if I stood up I’d shit down both legs. But I’m sure it was just something I ate.” They looked at each other for a couple of beats. Then they both burst into laughter.
• If my knowledge of necromancy was correct, all we had to do was break his concentration, get his eyes off those zombies, and our guys would be able to destroy them. I looked at Vayl. Got the nod.
  “So you’re the son of a bitch who killed my brother.”
• Before Albert could slam me, Vayl said, “I share your daughter’s concerns. What if your visitor decides to come early? At the very least, it would throw off our entire mission to have to bury you this week.”
• “Let’s introduce him to Albert. See if he can resist yanking out a handful of this guy’s chest hair. Who told him he should unbutton the top three anyway?”
  Our guide held up a finger. Was that light pink polish on his nails? He’d better not be waving his hands around much tonight. If Albert caught a glimpse he’d tackle the guy and make him cover his hands with dirt. Or worse, Jack droppings.
• “What the hell is wrong with these people?” he asked, his voice carrying at least as far as Glasgow. How refreshing that, for once, nobody knew we were related. “Gosh, Albert, I don’t know. Maybe they’d rather spend time with the dead than insensitive mooks like you.” I know, I know. Nobody can turn me into a hypocrite faster than my dad.
• “Stop it!” I hissed, shoving dirt back into the small hole Jack had made. “If this is revenge for the neutering, I’d just like to remind you, that lamp you mistakenly took for a golden retriever cost me a hundred bucks to replace. And I’m still having issues peeing in my own toilet after catching you . . . ugh! It makes me shiver to remember! So if you think this makes us even, think again!”
• “Trade me right now, or I swear we are not going Rollerblading at all next time we’re home,” I whispered. He dropped the unburied treasure and went for the treat. I’m telling you, this dog of mine is smarter than he looks.
• “How would you feel if a bunch of nosy jerks came in and started stomping all over your grave? I know I’d be pissed, and I’m not even going to be buried.”
  “You’re not?”
  “Nope. I’m debating between being shot into space and having my body stuffed and mounted on a pedestal at the Playboy Mansion.” While Iona giggled I slapped my hand to my forehead. Where did he come up with this stuff?
• “Well, come on. What’s romantic about pouring bleach down your throat when all you have to do is wait around for a couple of years till you’re old enough to tell your folks to shove it?”
• Long sigh, followed by an okay-I’ll-deal nod. “Do you really think it will last that long? After all, you are an absolute pain in the rear.”
  “Raoul!”
  “Always interrupting me with your demands. Wreathing my head with obscenities. Borrowing my equipment. Bringing it back all bloody and chipped.”
  “I did not!”
  By now he was grinning. “Do you irritate everyone you work with this much?”
• “Did you feel that?” I asked.
  Albert checked over his shoulder, as if I’d just warned him of a sneak attack. “What?”
  I pointed to the ground. “That. Just now. Like a mini quake?”
  “Nope. Maybe you had gas.”
  I cocked my head up at him, wishing once again that I could claim to be adopted. “You’ve gotta be kidding.”
• “Hear, hear!” seconded a cheerful, barrel-chested man whose wild white hair made him look like he’d just had an amazing idea that would probably lead to the invention of a tasty microbrew.
• I sighed. The fledgling romance I’d seen blooming in the woods didn’t have a chance if he couldn’t let me go. “Dude, you need to find a girl who loves you and needs you. I don’t think you realize how much you enjoy protecting people. If you did, you’d see there’s a woman in this room right now who fits you like a damn Speedo.” “That’s pretty tight.”
  “Uh-huh.”
• “We would’ve been good, Jaz.” “Maybe. Until you left me. Or I killed you. Whichever came first.”
• Vayl murmured, “I was going to search the bedrooms while everyone enjoyed the show down here. But perhaps, considering the frustration rising off you like lethal radiation, you would prefer that task?”
• “Are you kidding? I’d agree to play the pony at a five-year-old’s birthday party if it meant we were making some sort of progress on this crap deal.”
• Rhona slept in the full-sized bed, making enough racket to shake the table, the lamp, and the nearly empty bottle of sleeping pills beside her. A green mud pack covered her face and she’d pulled an orange shower cap contraption over her hair. Seriously, if I’d encountered her in the hall and I was drunk, or under the age of twelve, I’d have screamed, “Alien!”

Here are some of my really really REALLY fave quotes from the awesomest (aftr georgia nicolson - ofcourse) Jaz Parks series by Jennifer Rardin! As there are so many, i'm dividing them into parts. Hope you like them too. :)
luv,
Kira

• "We took a path lined with Japanese lanterns around to the front of the house, uh, mansion, um, pretentious freaking monstrosity posing as a home. Yeah, that's more like it."
• Sometimes things would be so much simpler if you could just pull out your gun and shoot the bad guy. Reason number seventeen why Indiana Jones is my hero. :D
• "I don't want to go. What if the monster eats my soul?" I sounded like a three-year-old, cowering under the covers, knowing what sleeps under the bed. But I was scared, more even than when I'd been young and dumb enough to believe I could survive anything.Vayl stared into my eyes, willing me to believe him. "It won't. ...And if it does, we will hang it by the ankles and thump it on the back until it coughs you up."
• My family had subjected to nearly one hundred years worth of blood and guts. We seem to spawn killers, no doubt about that. I found myself hoping that E.J. could break the chain. Maybe when I got a free second I'd give her a call and make that suggestion. Never mind that she was less than a month old and would spend the entire time trying to eat the receiver. It's never too early to start brainwashing your young.
• Okay, Jaz, you are now in damage-control mode. That means you may not flip out all the way. No word looping. No blackouts. And no card shuffling —until you’re alone. At which time if you want to swing from the chandelier and bark like a German shepherd, go right ahead. Until then—play sane.
• She left at a regal, controlled pace although I suspected she would’ve enjoyed it more if she could’ve stomped on his foot and run off, cackling madly as she receded into the Texas dawn.
• “I am an old woman, you know,” she said pitifully. I leaned over and patted her hand. “Don’t be so hard on yourself. Even now you don’t look a day over seven hundred.”
• I’m thinking maybe you should not follow your first instincts when we speak to these boys’ fathers, because tearing their arms off and beating them over the heads with them is not going to solve the ultimate problem.
• “Don’t worry,” I said, patting the gun holstered under my armpit. “We have a backup plan.” Actually I could’ve patted other areas of my body as well, but then I’d have either looked like I was hunting for matches or feeling myself up. Either way, a lame way to communicate that I’d added some blades to the mix as well.
• I squinted and it came clearer. Okay, so I guessed I’d have to do this looking as if I needed a good pair of bifocals. Why, oh why, couldn’t I once receive a Supernatural Gift that required a good tan and my own personal stylist?
• “I had to see you, Jaz.” I spun, as I recognized my mother’s voice. It was coming out of Viv’s mouth. I saw her features settle over Viv’s, her honey-colored hair falling over Viv’s blond locks like a bad wig. “I knew you wouldn’t talk to me, so I tried to get to you through your father. But he’s harder to communicate with than a teenager with his iPod blasting” She sent Albert a dirty look, which he returned times twelve.
• And how exactly did I feel about an extended visit with dear old Pops? When he turned his back on me to open the door I performed several head kicks and one sweeping skull punch that just missed him every time. "My Dad Is an Asshole". I’m telling you, it’s going to be a bestseller.
• If he’s found another stray from the department’s hit list I’m going to bang my head against the van. Strike that. I’m going to bang his head against the van. No, that’s not hard enough. Maybe the side of the house.
• I kept Lucille’s sweet smile on my face, but my inner eye narrowed when nobody responded, allowing me to ask the question I really wanted answered. Which one of you bitches is going to die this week?
• “He’s divorced. And she’s dead.”
  “Is she a ghost?” asked Rhona.
  “No.” Should we be thankful for that small favor? Can I get a hell yeah?
• “Cole—,” Vayl began, the growl in his tone a clear territorial warning.
  “Fine,” Cole told him. “You can be in the fantasy too. But fully dressed. Blindfolded. And playing the accordion while a monkey sits on your head like a little monkey hat.”
• I gave the dog a good rubdown. “You know why you’re here, you panting, pooping mink coat, do you? So we can practice biting bad guys in the nuts, right? Because that’s your new trick, isn’t it?” I smiled at Cole from between Jack’s ears, which perked with interest as I asked, “Who do you think we should practice on next?” Jack looked over his shoulder at Cole and ran his massive pink tongue across his lips and nose.
• “You’re nicer to that dog than you are to me. You know that, right?” asked Cole. “Sorry,” I said, with real regret. “But you have to admit, he’s a lot less demanding.” Vayl slipped his hands into the pockets of his black jeans. “Would it make you feel better to know she does not sleep with Jack either?”
• I leaned over to get a better view. Then I grabbed Cole’s arm and squeezed. “If that’s a gnome whose crotch Jack is nosing, I’m going to tie your hair in a bun and sell you to the pirates who operate off this coast. I hear they’re always looking for fresh young girlfriends.”
• “Dammit, Cole, couldn’t you have at least rented something with an engine?” I barked. “If I lifted the hood on this sucker I’ll bet I’d see the skeleton of Tigger, because this car hasn’t had any bounce since Reagan was president.”
• Bergman looked at him like he’d just made the worst financial investment of his life. “Kangaroos are wild animals. I’ve heard they claw like girl fighters and kick like jackhammers. You’re going to get your skull crushed.”
• “Hey, don’t let Jack pee on the tripod, okay? Tell him it’s my territory.” “If you peed on it he’d know without anyone having to say a word,” I told him.
• I said, “I’ll cover the damages, of course.” Though, considering what it must’ve cost to put Astral together, by the time I’d even halved the payment we’d probably both have forgotten about my debt, along with each other’s names and where we’d left our teeth the night before.
• Her image appeared behind my eyes, dressed for church. She stood at the top of her steps, her bag matching her sensible brown slip-ons. I knew it contained a few bucks for the offering as well as coloring supplies for us kids and a crossword book for her. She liked to say that she heard the Lord clearest when the rever...end was droning and she couldn’t for the life of her figure out eighteen across.
• I don’t get guys half the time. But—I smiled to myself as we turned back for the house—they can be awful damn fun.